It’s been a rough one today. I haven’t slept well the past few days, last night was no exception. I want my wife so badly, yet she seems completely indifferent. I don’t want the usual “fine, go ahead” sex we have a majority of the time. I want a normal sexual relationship with her. Sadly, I think she is incapable of this. I don’t know why, I don’t think she knows why.
Today after her shower she was just walking around naked. Gloriously, beautifully naked. Just the two of us were here, i wanted her so badly but I knew she wasn’t interested. She was trying to get ready to leave town and I know how her mind/body works. I told her more than once how much I liked watching her naked body, she didn’t even react. What I would give to have her look at me with the awe, and desire, and lust that I have for her. What I would give to feel that she yearns for me as I do for her.
The lack of sex is just a part of what is bothering me. After 2 weeks I definitely become testy, but today is different. Today is the saddest I have been in a while. It’s the realization and maybe even emotional understanding that she isn’t capable of what I want and need. She’ll keep having “duty sex” as I saw it called somewhere, but as far as being engaged on a regular basis forget it. I don’t doubt her love for me. I don’t doubt that she thinks she wants more sex and a more regular sex life, but I do doubt she will get there any time soon. I do doubt that she even recognizes how far from normal her libido is. Sure you can blame having young kids, crazy schedules, etc but what does she do to try and compensate for that? Nothing. Then she says things like she did last week, “we’ll try to fit that in this week”. Now sex is a chore that has to be fit in? Thanks but no thanks. I’m tired of being pitied. I’m tired of charity sex. Just recognize that you don’t care about or need sex already, at least if you admitted it to me I could move on. Stop dangling that carrot and making me believe, against my own judgement and awareness, that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. This has been our life for 9 years, what is going to make it change today?
The saddest part? I felt better the minute she backed out of the driveway. Not good, but not as bad. Why? Because there is no question in my mind now about whether I’ll be having sex. There is no underlying animosity or anger or sadness. It’s just me and the kids for the next 18 hours. Hopefully by the time she gets home tomorrow I’ve snapped out of this funk. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being sad. I wish I could emotionally accept this and just move on with my life, this is no way to live.
How did I get here? 