I’m a mess

I don’t know what is going on with me the past few weeks but I’m a mess.  Emotionally I’m a mess.  I lack focus and mental clarity and I’m cranky as hell.  I want to blame it on lack of sex….which is probably partly true but I think it’s stress as well.

I’m contemplating getting a massage, the problem is now I’m just thinking about a place with happy endings.  I’ve only had that happen once and it shocked the hell out of me, to the point where I didn’t really enjoy it because I was uncomfortable. If I do go today and it does happen I’m going to be extatic!

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Much better after a rough spot

Last week I found myself in a bad spot.  I was unhappy, very unhappy even.  I found myself giving in to my urges to watch porn and masturbate.  To the point it got in the way of other things in life.  Good, bad or otherwise I was unhappy and a bit ashamed when all was said and done.  I swore to myself I had to stop letting me be self destructive.

The good news is this week, even though it’s been hell professsionally, has been much better.  I can see my wife naked and not think about having sex with her.  I can be alone with a computer and not be tempted to look at porn.  I’m hopefully I’ve turned a page to a new chapter.

Finally!

Well, it was one week shy of 6 month but we finally had sex.  It was really late at night, we were both exhausted but she said “I’m really attracte to you right now.  Too bad it’s so late.”  To which I responded, “I’m game if you are.”

Oh how I enjoyed going own on her!  That had been well over a year.  The sex, while enjoyable was a new personal record for me…in how fast I orgasmed.  Literally 3 pumps.  Strangely, aside from wanting it to last longer I didn’t (and still don’t) care.  My pleasure came from making her orgams.  Learning more about myself everyday.

Blown opportunity or doing the right thing?

Last night we went out for a friends birthday, the kids were at my paretns for the night.  After dinner we ended up meeting some other friends for a drink and got home around midnight.  I knew at that point an empty house and slightly tipsy D didn’t matter, we were going to bed and that was it.

For some reason in situtations like this she tends to like have sex the next morning.  When she was getting into bed she said “I don’t want any expectations, but tomorrow morning while we are waking up try rubbing my back.  Sometimes that puts me in the mood”.  Good sign, right?  Except I woke up around 6 and couldn’t get back to sleep so ratehr than staying in bed and waiting for her to wake up I’m here typing this and drinking coffee.

I’m also going round and round in my head, did I do the right thing?  It’s been damn near 6 months since we’ve been intimate and the next time we won’t have the kids for a night is in another month.  But it is also Mother’s Day and I know more than anything she wants to sleep in.  There is also some anxiety on my part because it has been SO long and I her comments last night were prefaced with “don’t get your hopes up”.  I want to belive I did this for her to get to sleep in my I’m feeling pretty anxious, is it over the fact that I probably lost the opportunity to have sex with her or anxiety over performing as I want to should it have happened?  I guess it might still happen, but I’m pretty doubtful.

Feeling better these days

Still no sex, its been a little over 5 months now.  I’m not happy about it at all but I do finally feel ike there is some progress.  We are talking more.  She is touching me a little more and letting me touch her.  This to me is the biggest change and possibly the most important part of the process to date.

I need to get less anxious and exited in sexual settings with her.  She needs the same thing.  The light touching is a huge part of the two of us becoming more comfortable in sexual relationships as it relates to each of our hangups.

This is killing me

Dear D,

I want so badly to tell you how I’m feeling, not because it will help but becasue I feel like I’m keeping my true feelings from you.  I’m not happy.  I’m sad and I’m as worried about our future as I ever have been.  I want to be optimistic and keep saying we can get thru this but I don’t know that I belive that anymore.  What has changed?  What is going to change anytime soon?

I don’t really know what to say.  I don’t want a divorce.  I don’t want to lose you or the kids, but I can’t keep doing this.  I don’t need wild sex, but I need affection.  I need physical affection that meets my needs, not you holding my hand or onto my arm as you fall asleep.  I know you’re fine with our physical intimacy, I couldn’t be further from fine.  It’s time I am honest with both of us about this.  I cannot keep doing this.

It used to be that I would feel this way and then it would pass.  For the past 2 or 3 weeks that hasn’t been the case.  The only time I haven’t had these feelings was when I was out of town, physically removed by 250 miles.  That’s not healthy.

I feel like I’m at the bottom of a pit trying to figure out how to get out and the only thing that happens as I do is I get more tired and more hurt.  We are now at basically 5 months since we’ve had sex.  You say you care but I don’t think you do.  I can’t keep doing this.  Things have to chagne between us, you need to give me permission to find affection and sexual satisfaction somewhere else, or we need to come to grips that our marriage is not meant to be….I am literally crying typing that.

Please know I’m not angry, I am hurting.  Badly and more than you know.  This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life, I don’t know that I’m strong enough to keep enduring this pain.  I love you, but loving you shouldn’t hurt this badly.