About 2 weeks ago I told D I wanted to start having sex weekly. I was tired of being submissive and sheepish about what I want, I promised myself to start being forward and directed with her. She asked if we could start with every other week, I agreed. On Wednesday, knowing we had a ridiculous week ahead, I told her I would like to be intimate on Saturday.
Last night, I asked what I could do to get her to a place where she’d be amenable. She responded that she didn’t know. We continued watching football and she began yawning, at that point I knew where things were going. We get ready for bed and she looks at me and says “we can do this” but she could hardly keep her eyes open. I told her that I appreciate her trying but we should go to bed.
She broke down crying, saying that she will never be able to satisfy me and that I should just find someone else. Strangely, that is exactly what I wanted to hear….right up until she said it. I could feel the pain it was causing her. She asked me to promise that the kids wouldn’t be effected because she couldn’t bear to put the kids through what she went through as a kid. I told her that I don’t want to have sex with someone else, I want to have sex with her. This is entirely true, my recent thoughts about seeking sex elsewhere is a reaction to our lack of sex and hoping to find a way to change things. I realized, that while the fantasy was kind of exciting to think about I cannot jeopardize my relationship with my kids. I’d rather be honorable and leave her than cheat on her.
There are things she believes I want that aren’t even close to what I actually want. This comes from latching on to something I said one time, which I am guilty of as well. It also comes from me angrily yelling at her when I was blackout drunk, things I don’t remember but clearly she does. Looking back, it’s no surprise I was drinking like that, given where we were in our marriage.
She eventually asked if I have ever cheated on her, I told her I had not but lately it’s something I think about. I’m honestly not sure how she took that but I wasn’t about to hide the fact given the discussion we were having.
I told her that I belive in addition to us resuming couples therapy (life got in the way) I think she needs to consider her own therapy to try and get past her resentment of me. She admitted she has a lot of resentment and that it probably has an impact on her interest in sex with me. I may start therapy on my own again as well.
I shared with her something she said years ago that has always stuck with me and has caucused some anger and insecurity. We’d been on 6+ month dry spell and she said “fine, go get a hooker”. I took that to mean she didn’t think (or fear) that I could find a women who wanted to have sex with me if I wasn’t paying for it. Here I am begging for sex. Begging for verbal affirmation. Begging to be touched more. Begging for her to show me in some way that she finds me sexually attractive and she slaps me in the face suggesting that if I wanted sex I’d have to pay for it. And yet she can’t understand why I question her interest in me. To be fair, it was a comment in anger and not something thought out and pointed but that doesn’t change the pain it caused me.
I promised to keep everything about sex to myself. From not asking for sex to not masturbating in front of her. I’ll fail, every time I make that promise I always do, but I’ll try my absolute best. We will resume therapy. There is no option there, she does it or I will take action towards divorce. That is the last thing I want but if she doesn’t take this seriously I don’t think I have an option.