Not all that optimistic

Yet again I find myself feeling like cheating or divorce is imminent. I made a stupid mistake and didn’t realize the headline of an article I sent asking if D would be interested, it was about a vibrator but the headline was “The vibrator to save your relationship”. Major fuck up on my part sending an article with that headline but she made it extremely clear she has no desire to orgasm. None.  The headline made her stomach turn and made her feel sick.

How am I possibly to recover from this?  How so I ever approach her for sex again.  Yes, I get that orgasm and sex are separate things but she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to “shutter all over” and “doesn’t want my penis inside her”.  Seriously, why are we even trying?

I have never been so eager to get to therapy as I am right now.  Tomorrow morning can’t come quickly enough….too bad she thinks that I need to go alone, we could use a joint session right about now.

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Last night was perfect!

Dear D,

I just want to let you know last night was exactly how I need sex to be.  I know you weren’t really enthusiastic at the beginning but you didn’t make it obvious.  You touched me in ways I’ve asked you to before but you’ve never done.  You told me to take my time getting hard, as opposed to the last time when you thought it was something about you that kept me from getting instantly hard(I’m 40 and chronically tired, it takes a little longer these days).

I haven’t felt that good about or enjoyed the sex that much in a long, long time.  This is that first step in the right direction I remember between us sexually in….perhaps ever.  Thank you, I needed that.

Love,

Me

Big discussion last night

About 2 weeks ago I told D I wanted to start having sex weekly.  I was tired of being submissive and sheepish about what I want, I promised myself to start being forward and directed with her.  She asked if we could start with every other week, I agreed.  On Wednesday, knowing we had a ridiculous week ahead, I told her I would like to be intimate on Saturday.

Last night, I asked what I could do to get her to a place where she’d be amenable.  She responded that she didn’t know.  We continued watching football and she began yawning, at that point I knew where things were going.  We get ready for bed and she looks at me and says “we can do this” but she could hardly keep her eyes open.  I told her that I appreciate her trying but we should go to bed.

She broke down crying, saying that she will never be able to satisfy me and that I should just find someone else.  Strangely, that is exactly what I wanted to hear….right up until she said it.  I could feel the pain it was causing her.  She asked me to promise that the kids wouldn’t be effected because she couldn’t bear to put the kids through what she went through as a kid.  I told her that I don’t want to have sex with someone else, I want to have sex with her.  This is entirely true, my recent thoughts about seeking sex elsewhere is a reaction to our lack of sex and hoping to find a way to change things.  I realized, that while the fantasy was kind of exciting to think about I cannot jeopardize my relationship with my kids.  I’d rather be honorable and leave her than cheat on her.

There are things she believes I want that aren’t even close to what I actually want.  This comes from latching on to something I said one time, which I am guilty of as well.  It also comes from me angrily yelling at her when I was blackout drunk, things I don’t remember but clearly she does.  Looking back, it’s no surprise I was drinking like that, given where we were in our marriage.

She eventually asked if I have ever cheated on her, I told her I had not but lately it’s something I think about.  I’m honestly not sure how she took that but I wasn’t about to hide the fact given the discussion we were having.

I told her that I belive in addition to us resuming couples therapy (life got in the way) I think she needs to consider her own therapy to try and get past her resentment of me.  She admitted she has a lot of resentment and that it probably has an impact on her interest in sex with me.  I may start therapy on my own again as well.

I shared with her something she said years ago that has always stuck with me and has caucused some anger and insecurity.  We’d been on 6+ month dry spell and she said “fine, go get a hooker”.  I took that to mean she didn’t think (or fear) that I could find a women who wanted to have sex with me if I wasn’t paying for it.  Here I am begging for sex.  Begging for verbal affirmation.  Begging to be touched more.  Begging for her to show me in some way that she finds me sexually attractive and she slaps me in the face suggesting that if I wanted sex I’d have to pay for it.  And yet she can’t understand why I question her interest in me.  To be fair, it was a comment in anger and not something thought out and pointed but that doesn’t change the pain it caused me.

I promised to keep everything about sex to myself.  From not asking for sex to not masturbating in front of her.  I’ll fail, every time I make that promise I always do, but I’ll try my absolute best.  We will resume therapy.  There is no option there, she does it or I will take action towards divorce.  That is the last thing I want but if she doesn’t take this seriously I don’t think I have an option.

Time to figure out how to change myself

I’m tired of fighting (and losing the battle) premature ejaculation. Been pretty much lifelong, my one other longterm partner and I got past it but she was a lot more sexually open than D is.  Last the first few months of our reltiaionship but as I got more comfortable it went away.  When I say it went away, not like I went for 1 minute to 2, like 8-10.  She’d come a lot of the time, sometimes more than once.  I wasn’t upset afterwards and anxious beforehand.

That is what really gets me now.  I don’t think D cares, at times I think the fast it’s over for there the better.  It’s me.  I want to last longer.  I want to be able to have sex for more than a minute.  I want to be able to not be anxious.  I want to be able to try different positions.  Basically in every single aspect I want it to change.

I’m not sure where to go on this.  I can keep reading books but nothing is helping. I can keep edging, I’m quite good at it by myself but still lose all control with her.  I’m going to start meditating again and hope that helps but I feel like I need something more.

Today I started looking for clinical medical trials to participate in.  None are enrolling that are US based and I’m probably not going to Israel or China to participate, but if I keep looking maybe I’ll find one.  Not that injecting Botox into my dick sounds like fun, but if it helps I’m in!

We will never work thru this

Dear D,

I’ve come to realize we will never work through our sexual differences.  I tell you a fraction the things I think about and share an even smaller fraction of my pain with you.  I don’t know why we continue to try, I truly don’t belive that we will ever come to a place where we are both happy.  For one of us to be content it seems the other must somehow suffer.

Maybe my view of things is wrong but I can tell you right now I’m not okay with the situation, not even a little.  I suspect you aren’t either.  Something is wrong when we are both unhappy with the situation and it makes me wonder why we continue to try and pretend this isn’t a hopeless situation.  I have no intention of leaving but I don’t know that you’re going to want to stay with me if the anger I feel building inside ever comes out.  This isn’t healthy and quite honestly isn’t sustainable forever.

I have no clue what the answer is.  Maybe I start therapy again, though I’m doubtful that will help.  I personally think you need to go to therapy because there is something going on with you that makes you scared of sex.  I’m not pointing fingers, I’m telling you what I have observed through the years.

This whole things sickens me.  I wish I could turn this off in my own head.  I wish I could find a way to stop thinking about this.  To accept celibacy and move on with our lives.  I love you so much, the thought of losing you scares the hell out of me, but I don’t know how this continues for the rest of our lives.  I truly don’t.

I’m not in a good spot

Dear D,

It’s happened again, I’ve reached a point where I feel like our sexlife is hopeless.  Understand I’m saying this out of sadness and not anger.  Every now and then I get a glimmer of hope, but let’s be honest this is 10+ years in the making and not much has changed.   I’ve learned to shut up and take you up on “fine we can have sex” but even that is not all that frequent.

I could go on and on about what I think contributes to the situation but the reality is none of that matters.  What I want is never going to be what you want.  I try to accept that and to some extent I’ve succeeded, but not enough to stop these thoughts from coming back into my head.  There are times I want to talk about this but I can tell you clearly don’t, and that is possibly what hurts the most.  I feel like I’m on an island by myself because I have to live this hell by myself.

You get into your groove with kids, work, and the house and if I try to talk about something you just say “I can’t do this right now”.  Well when would be a good time? Shal I continue to wait….okay, that was anger.

I’m not giving up on us, overall we have a great thing but you need to know that this hurts me deeply.  I worry that at some point I am going to give in to my needs and stray and that scares me.  I don’t want to hurt you like that.  I don’t want to hurt the kids like that.

Just know I’m hurting.  Pretty badly right now.  I don’t expect anything to change but I’ll keep hoping and praying anyway.

Love always,
Matt